Question:
How can my family be healthy and happy?
Source of Feedback
Healthy, happy family members tend to look to each other for feedback and advice. The family is a place for learning and members help each other. Mistakes are seen as just that -- mistakes! A family member making a mistake is thought of as in a stage of learning. For example, if a teenage son made a bad choice about attending a drinking party when underage, other family members would not belittle, put him down or think of him as bad. Family members would help the son learn the consequences of his actions, without putting down his character and seeing him as "bad".
Routines & Rituals
Healthy, happy families tend to have routines and rituals they follow. For example, they have family traditions such as Thanksgiving, or a favorite meal on a family member's birthday. These routines and rituals are important to all family members because they help the member feel a part of a larger system, offer security, and build self-esteem. To read more on family emotional health, see Ties That Stress: The New Family Imbalance.
Differentiated Family Members
Members of healthy, happy families tend to be what is called "differentiated". Although family members are well connected to each other, each member also has a keen sense of who they are as a separate person. Individuals in healthy, happy families are not dependent upon each other entirely for emotional or social support. Although they rely on the family for support, they are also able to generate emotional and social support on their own.
Pretty Good Place to Live
Healthy, Happy families tend to think their home is a pretty good place to live. Family members talk well of each other and do not put each other down in front of other family members or friends. Members come to the defense of each other when someone from the outside says bad things. Yet, how many times have you been to a gathering and heard women sitting together or men sitting together putting down their own family members? To be a Healthy, Happy Family, this is one practice a family member has to stop!
Strength Comes from Within/Out
In healthy, happy families, family members recognize that the others get strength from within (intra-personal) and from without, or from each other (interpersonal). Therefore, the family members do not expect another family member to handle all their own problems, or to depend upon themselves to handle all the problems. They understand that problems can be resolved using either source of strength.
No One Singled Out
When problems occur in healthy, happy families, no one individual is blamed. In other words, if one member has a problem, the family joins together to better understand one's own role in the problem, rather than just blaming the family member with the problem. So, if a father becomes an alcoholic, a teenager becomes pregnant, or a mother becomes depressed, the problem is not just the father's, or the teenager's, or the mother's, -- the problem is everyone's problem, with all members of the family being held accountable for their part in creating the problem. An excellent book of emotional development in the family is Emotional Intelligence.
Balanced and Flexible
Healthy, happy families tend to be balanced. By that, I mean they spend time together, and alone. Family members have interests inside the family and out. In addition, healthy, happy families are flexible and can adapt to change. This gives family members the freedom to become individuals within the family system. If your family is out of balance, you may want to read Ties That Stress: The New Family Imbalance.
Differences are Appreciated
In a healthy, happy family, differences between family members are not only encouraged, but appreciated. Therefore, if one family member wants to do something that other family members have never done before, others are open to the idea without being judgemental. Not being judgemental allows the family member to grow to his or her greatest emotional development
Face Own Battles
In healthy, happy families, it is recognized that individual family members must sometimes face their own battles and learn from their own experiences. For example, a six-year-old complaining that s/he is bored, should not be rescued and given something to do. This deprives the child from learning to build self-entertaining behaviors and causes the child to become dependent upon other family members for entertainment -- this is a serious problem in today's society with families being led to believe that children need to be entertained or be controlled in their play, such as in organized sports. A limited amount of sports is good, but without plenty of free, unorganized time, a child does not learn how to self-entertain, problem solve, or develop the necessary social skills to get along with others. To find out more about how we have become a society of overstressed families, please read The Hurried Child: Growing Up Too Fast Too Soon.
Emotional Levels
In healthy, happy families, family members are aware that each member is on a different thinking and emotional level. Family members do not expect other family members to be on the same level as they are and will interact with another family member on a level that is appropriate. For example, a mother would not discuss her problems with her husband with a teenage daughter unless that daughter was mature enough emotionally to handle the discussion. A good book on emotional development in families is Emotional Intelligence
Positive Instead of Negative
Healthy, happy families tend to be more positive than negative, even in families that experience extreme conditions of stress. Healthy, happy families use positive discipline more than negative, and tend to see good in events and people more than they see bad. In other words, they do not punish their children as much as they praise what their children are doing right. Positive reinforcement has been proven time and time again to be more effective in improving a child's behavior than negative reinforcement.
Family Generations
Healthy, happy families tend to be connected across generations. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and others stay connected through family get-togethers and rituals, like celebrated holidays, birthdays, or special events. Families that are connected through the generations tend to be stronger and more resilient to stress and every day life problems that sometimes "break" other families. To read more on family development, see New Passages.
Family Dyads
In healthy, happy families, each dyad is responsible to itself without dragging other family members into the problem. A dyad is a relationship between any two family members. The dyad could consist of father and mother, brother and father, sister and brother, and so on. In the healthy, happy family, if the parental dyad had a problem, they would not bring the children into the issue or go to another family member for emotional support without first addressing the issue with the other dyad member.For a good book on family development, please see New Passages.
Emotional Frequently Asked Questions
How can my family be healthy and happy?
What are the symptoms of attachment disorders?
How do I know if my child has Autism?
What are the indicators for Autism in children ages 36-60 months?
What is an effective behavior management technique?
What do divorced parents fight about?
Why does my teenager act as s/he does?
Tell me more about what is happening to my teenager?
What are the symptoms of Oppositional Defiance Disorder?
How can I get my child to behave?
How do I know if my three-year-old has Autism?
Should recess be taken away from children with ADD/ADHD?
How can I control my (my child´s) anger?
What are some positive behavior management techniques?
How can I keep the romance alive?
How can I get my child to control his/her anger?
What can I do about my child not staying in time-out?
Why does my child misbehave when I praise him/her?
What are early indicators of Autism in children ages 12-24 months?
How can I change my child´s misbehavior?
What can I do about my child not listening?
How many children have oppositional defiance disorder?
What can I do to help a child with ADD/ADHD?
How do I talk to a child about being a single parent?
What can I do to help a child with ADD/ADHD?
How early can Autism be detected in young children?
When should I not ignore misbehavior?
What are the symptoms of ADHD?
What effect does single parenting have on children?
Are mood swings related to menopause?
Are there different types of attachment disorders?
Can I give a child too much praise?
What behaviors are common in children with Autism at age 12-24 months?
What is the difference between Autism and PDD?
How can I get my child to mind?
How do I know if my child has Autism?
How many toys should a child have?
How do I talk to a young child about divorce?
What can I do to get a child with ADD/ADHD to do their work at school?
What can I do to help a child with ADD/ADHD?
What is Oppositional Defiance Disorder?
Are there different types of attachment disorders?
How can I show him I love him?
Are there alternative treatments for Autism?
What if I think my ex-spouse is psychologically abusing the kids?
What if my child´s behavior improves while in time-out?
What if my child´s absent parent was a no-good bum?
How do I know if my baby has Autism?
What are the symptoms of conduct disorder?
How does attachment affect socialization?
What is the family life cycle theory?
How do I help a child with ADD/ADHD attend?
How can I help a child with ADD/ADHD in the classroom?
What are early indicators of Autism for children ages 6-12 months?
How do I talk to a teenager about divorce?
Are there different kinds of attachment disorders?
What is Oppositional Defiance Disorder?
How do I know if a boy likes me?
How can I bring romance into my relationship?
Help me understand my child´s grief.
Why do I feel so bad about myself?
What was Bowlby´s attachment theory?
What are the symptoms of an attachment disorder?
Are there assessment tools to measure attachment security?
What is the difference between Bipolar I and Bipolar II?
What are the symptoms of ADHD?
Does adoption cause attachment disorders?
What kind of person allows themselves to be abused?
What is the fifth style of attachment?
Should I let my child decide a reward?
What happens during attachment?
What was Ainsworth´s contribution to attachment theory?
What emotional changes will I go through with menopause?
What is the proprioceptive sense?
Why does my child have poor self-esteem?
How can I stop my boyfriend from cheating on me?
How can I get my child to stop being so argumentative?
What is moderate mental retardation?
What is the key emotional task of single young adults?
What is the Strange Situation assessment?
What is Phase III of the attachment years?
How do you conduct a Strange Situation Procedure?
What can I do when my child whines?
What should I tell my child about their absent parent?
How do I talk to my child about terrorism?
How does attachment affect relationships?
How do I teach a child appropriate behavior?
How can I tell my boyfriend that I am not ready for sex yet?
What child factors effect attachment?
What behaviors do children with insecure-ambivialent attachment show?
What does insecure-disorganized attachment look like?
What are the key points of Bowlby´s attachment theory?
What is the key emotional task of the launching children stage?
What do I do if I am not ready for sex?
Why won´t she talk to me since we had our first kiss?
How can I get this guy to like me?
What is the emotional development of a six-year-old?
What are Brazelton´s stages of attachment development?
What was Freud´s contribution to attachment theory?
How can I get a child with ADD/ADHD to improve on sloppiness?
How can I get my child to feel better about him/herself?
How does a child with an attachment disorder act?
How do I get my child to play with others?
What can I do to help my child understand terrorism?
How can I overcome depression?
What are the symptoms of depression?
Should children with ADD/ADHD be allowed extra breaks?
Who started attachment theory?
What is the emotional development of a three-year-old?
What are the first symptoms of menopause?
What can I do if she just wants to be friends?
What can I do about feeling guilty?
What can I do about feeling guilty?
Are there different types of conduct disorder?
Is there treatment for symptoms of menopause?
Is depression related to menopause?
What are the emotional needs of a five-year-old?
What is the key emotional task of later life?
What is the key emotional task of families with young children?
What does Insecure-Avoidant attachment look like in the second year?
What are the behaviors in the second phase of attachment?
When is the most crucial time in the attachment years?
What is Phase II of the Attachment Years?
Why is my boyfriend cheating on me?
What rights do I have as a parent of a children in therapy?
What can I do to prevent two kids from fighting?
How do I get my child to feel better about him/herself?
Why does my teenager act this way?
How do I raise a child as a single parent?
What are the benefits of a child being securely attached?
Where do I start in behavioral therapy?
Do behavior plans for young children work?
When should a child be removed from a room?
How can I get a child with ADD/ADHD to complete an assignment?
Tell me more about my teenager.
What do I do if I don´t just want to be friends?
What is the first phase of attachment?
Are there different types of depression?
What causes disrupted attachment?
What is the autonomy stage of attachment?
What is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?
What is profound mental retardation?
What are some strategies work working with ADD/ADHD?
What is the treatment for Anorexia Nervosa?
What are the symptoms of Andropause?
What is parent alienation syndrome?
What can I do about a decrease in sex drive?
Do attachment styles change over time?
What are the steps in the attachment process?
How do I know if I should be worried about my child?
What can I do about sexual difficulty?
How many children in foster care have attachment disoders?
How do I get a guy to know that I like him?
How do I know if my child´s behavior problem is serious?
How do I know if my child two-year-old has Autism?
How can I help a child with ADD/ADHD finish tasks?
How can I help a child with ADD/ADHD get his/her work done?
How can I get a child with ADD/ADHD to control their behavior?
Why did my girlfriend turn cold on me after our first kiss?
Why am I not interested in sex?
What does a secure attachment look like in the second year?
What is the testing limits stage of attachment?
What parent factors influence attachment?
What happens during menopause?
What can I do if I am being emotionally abused?
What is the key emotional task of a newly married couple?
What are the emotional needs of a four-year-old?
What is obsessive compulsive disorder?
How do I tell this guy I don´t want to date him?
What should I say when he asks if I am a virgin?
How can I get others to stop teasing me?
My long distant relationship suddenly feels long distance, why?
How do I know what type of professional to choose?
What is Seasonal Affective Disorder
What is an electroencephalogram (E.E.G.)?
Does menopause cause memory loss?
What environmental factors influence attachment?
What is the homeostasis stage of attachment?
Are there differences between sex in men and women?
Are men more sexual than women?
Does talking about suicide mean the person will do it?
How can I get a child with ADD/ADHD to transition between activities?
What can I do to help a child with ADD/ADHD in the classroom?
What can I do to protect my child from terrorism?
What are the symptoms of Rett´s Disorder?
How do I use a sticker or token system?
| Guru Spotlight |
| William Pirraglia |
