Life Long Social-Emotional Development Tips

Emotionally One

The primary emotional need of a one-year-old is simply to be loved and cared for so s/he can learn to trust the world. Contrary to popular belief, you really cannot spoil an infant. The more secure and happy they are as infants, the healthier they will be emotionally later in life. For more information on the emotional development of a baby or young child, you may want to read First Feelings.

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Warning Signs

When should you become concerned about your child's behavior? If the behavior falls into one of these categories, you might want to seek professional help:
Violent behavior
In own little world
Very friendly to strangers
Unpredictable moods
Explosive temper tantrums
Physical aggression
Withdrawn, does not respond when name is called
Looking right past you or through you
Suicidal thoughts
Frequent fighting
Threats
Hurting others
Homicidal thoughts
Use of weapons
Cruelty toward animals
Fire setting
Destruction of property
Vandalism

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How Much Stress is Ok?

Hans Selye (the stress-guru of all time) theorized that we all have a reserve of energy to respond to stress, but that an individual reservoir must learn to conserve that energy and not let the go dry. A body depleted of energy will at first feel exhausted, the mind may not function normally, and our emotional state fluctuates, meaning we may cry one moment and laugh the next. Continued stress continues to weaken the body, mind and spirit, and if not relieved of stress, we can move into a chronic state of stress which is hard to work back out of.

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Emotionally Three

Three-year-olds are just beginning to be social beings -- and they need lots of practice! Three-year-olds are learning how to get their needs met while also learning that others have needs and rights too. They will hit, bite, scream, cry, and bargain with peers for toys or items they want and in the process, their behavior will be corrected or praised, giving them a sense of what is socially wrong or right behavior. For more information on the emotional development of a young child, you may want to read Touchpoints.

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Routines & Rituals

Healthy, happy families tend to have routines and rituals they follow. For example, they have family traditions such as Thanksgiving, or a favorite meal on a family member's birthday. These routines and rituals are important to all family members because they help the member feel a part of a larger system, offer security, and build self-esteem. To read more on family emotional health, see Ties That Stress: The New Family Imbalance.

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Differentiated Family Members

Members of healthy, happy families tend to be what is called "differentiated". Although family members are well connected to each other, each member also has a keen sense of who they are as a separate person. Individuals in healthy, happy families are not dependent upon each other entirely for emotional or social support. Although they rely on the family for support, they are also able to generate emotional and social support on their own.

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Pretty Good Place to Live

Healthy, Happy families tend to think their home is a pretty good place to live. Family members talk well of each other and do not put each other down in front of other family members or friends. Members come to the defense of each other when someone from the outside says bad things. Yet, how many times have you been to a gathering and heard women sitting together or men sitting together putting down their own family members? To be a Healthy, Happy Family, this is one practice a family member has to stop!

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Strength Comes from Within/Out

In healthy, happy families, family members recognize that the others get strength from within (intra-personal) and from without, or from each other (interpersonal). Therefore, the family members do not expect another family member to handle all their own problems, or to depend upon themselves to handle all the problems. They understand that problems can be resolved using either source of strength.

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Launching Children & Moving On

During the Launching of Children stage of the Family Life Cycle, the key emotional task is to accept the new entries and exits of individuals from the family system. This is a time for re-negotiating the marital system as a dyad, developing new adult to adult relationships between grown children and parents, and re-aligning relationships to the extended family and grand-children. The family may also find themselves caring for the previous generation. A good book on surviving Empty Nest Syndrome is:

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No One Singled Out

When problems occur in healthy, happy families, no one individual is blamed. In other words, if one member has a problem, the family joins together to better understand one's own role in the problem, rather than just blaming the family member with the problem. So, if a father becomes an alcoholic, a teenager becomes pregnant, or a mother becomes depressed, the problem is not just the father's, or the teenager's, or the mother's, -- the problem is everyone's problem, with all members of the family being held accountable for their part in creating the problem. An excellent book of emotional development in the family is Emotional Intelligence.

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Emotionally Five

A five-year-old is beginning to understand the rules and regulations of social behavior and to adjust his or her own behavior accordingly. They are also beginning to develop a moral conscience that helps guide their behavior. Still, a five-year-old needs lots of practice, and is creating mental patterns of how to act and behave that will stay with him or her for a life time. For more information on the emotional development of a young child, you may want to read First Feelings

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Emotionally Two

A two-year-old typically is struggling with emotions. For one thing, s/he is learning to be independent and wants to do things his or her own way. On the other hand, a two-year-old still has needs to frequently connect with a parent or care giver. Thus, a two-year-old will sometimes scream "No!" when asked if you can help, and the next time the toddler will scream for your attention! For more information on the emotional life of a two year old, you may want to read: The Emotional Life of the Toddler.

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Good Stress Bad Stress

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Balanced and Flexible

Healthy, happy families tend to be balanced. By that, I mean they spend time together, and alone. Family members have interests inside the family and out. In addition, healthy, happy families are flexible and can adapt to change. This gives family members the freedom to become individuals within the family system. If your family is out of balance, you may want to read Ties That Stress: The New Family Imbalance.

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Differences are Appreciated

In a healthy, happy family, differences between family members are not only encouraged, but appreciated. Therefore, if one family member wants to do something that other family members have never done before, others are open to the idea without being judgemental. Not being judgemental allows the family member to grow to his or her greatest emotional development

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Comparing

A common mistake made by parents of an adolescent is to compare the teenager with a sibling or another teenager. For example, "Why can you not be more like your brother, John? He never did this when he was your age." Although comparisons seem harmless, may be thought of as constructive criticism, and are intended to point out the obvious, they most likely come across as a "point down" to the teen. Therefore, if the teen feels put down, the comparison will do nothing to improve his or her behavior. Instead of comparing your adolescent to another, emphasize the strengths, talents, and individuality of the teen instead.

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Emotionally Six

A six-year-old is developing the mental structures to support and organize hundreds of different emotional and behavioral patterns. The six-year-old is also developing abstract thinking, therefore, instead of just thinking about what is happening at any given moment, the six-year-old can think about the consequences of his or her behavior before actually doing the behavior. For more information on the emotional development of a young child, you may want to read First Feelings.

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Families with Young Children

During the Families with Young Children stage of the Family Life Cycle, the key emotional task is to accept new members into the family system. This means making space for children, re-assigning household chores and financial responsibilities, and re-aligning of relationships with extended family members and friends.

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Face Own Battles

In healthy, happy families, it is recognized that individual family members must sometimes face their own battles and learn from their own experiences. For example, a six-year-old complaining that s/he is bored, should not be rescued and given something to do. This deprives the child from learning to build self-entertaining behaviors and causes the child to become dependent upon other family members for entertainment -- this is a serious problem in today's society with families being led to believe that children need to be entertained or be controlled in their play, such as in organized sports. A limited amount of sports is good, but without plenty of free, unorganized time, a child does not learn how to self-entertain, problem solve, or develop the necessary social skills to get along with others. To find out more about how we have become a society of overstressed families, please read The Hurried Child: Growing Up Too Fast Too Soon.

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Emotional Levels

In healthy, happy families, family members are aware that each member is on a different thinking and emotional level. Family members do not expect other family members to be on the same level as they are and will interact with another family member on a level that is appropriate. For example, a mother would not discuss her problems with her husband with a teenage daughter unless that daughter was mature enough emotionally to handle the discussion. A good book on emotional development in families is Emotional Intelligence

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Adolescent Emotional Development

The adolescent years are difficult, both for the teen and the parent! It is very similar to the "terrible twos" in that the teen struggles with issues of independence and wanting to continue to be parented. Combine this conflict with unstable hormones and you will experience some of the same outbursts of temper as you saw in your two-year-old. Some of the emotional tasks an adolescent is faced with include:
-- Accepting one's physique and sexual role,
-- Establishing peer relationships with both sexes,
-- Achieving emotional independence from parents,

Be assured that the disagreements and differences between parent and child are a necessary for healthy emotional growth. One of the best books for understanding emotional development is Emotional Intelligence.

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Positive Instead of Negative

Healthy, happy families tend to be more positive than negative, even in families that experience extreme conditions of stress. Healthy, happy families use positive discipline more than negative, and tend to see good in events and people more than they see bad. In other words, they do not punish their children as much as they praise what their children are doing right. Positive reinforcement has been proven time and time again to be more effective in improving a child's behavior than negative reinforcement.

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Single Young Adults

In the Single Young Adult stage of the Family Life Cycle, the key emotional process taking place is the accepting of emotional and financial responsibility for self. A single young adult needs to differentiate from the family of origin; this means to become a independent identity. During this life stage, the single young adult is also developing intimate relationships with others outside the family and establishing a career for future financial independence.

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Emotionally Four

A four-year-old has emotionally learned the basics of social behavior and now begins refining techniques. A four-year-old may tell a whopper of a tale, try manipulating a peer or adult for what s/he wants, or use other, more strategic behaviors. Remember, like the three-year-old, the four-year-old is just practicing, learning what is unacceptable and acceptable social behavior. They need lots of praise, not put-downs. For more information on the emotional development of a young child, you may want to read First Feelings

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Family Generations

Healthy, happy families tend to be connected across generations. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and others stay connected through family get-togethers and rituals, like celebrated holidays, birthdays, or special events. Families that are connected through the generations tend to be stronger and more resilient to stress and every day life problems that sometimes "break" other families. To read more on family development, see New Passages.

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Does He Love Me?

A recent visitor to my website asked this question: Does he love me? If he does, or when he does, you will not have to ask... you will know...

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Family Dyads

In healthy, happy families, each dyad is responsible to itself without dragging other family members into the problem. A dyad is a relationship between any two family members. The dyad could consist of father and mother, brother and father, sister and brother, and so on. In the healthy, happy family, if the parental dyad had a problem, they would not bring the children into the issue or go to another family member for emotional support without first addressing the issue with the other dyad member.For a good book on family development, please see New Passages.

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The New Couple

During The New Couple stage of the Family Life Cycle, the key emotional task is the joining of families through marriage. This requires emotional commitment to the new family system and a realignment of relationships with the extended families, spouse, and friends.

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All or Nothing Approach to Thinking

Children often think in "all" or "nothing" ways. For example, a child may think "I am bad at math". This all or nothing thinking then becomes automatic, and the child begins to believe that what s/he thinks is the truth. Bad cycles will breed more bad (child fails, feels bad, self-esteem decreases, and the child ends up investing less effort). Likewise, good cycles breed more good (child succeeds, feels good, self-esteem increases, and the child invests more effort).

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Families in Later Life

In the Later Life stage of the Family Life Cycle, the key emotional task is to accept the shift of roles between generations. During this time, an individual must face physiological decline and explore new family and social role options. This is a time for reviewing the wisdom learned through living, dealing with loss of spouse, siblings, and other peers, and preparing for one's own death.

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The Emotional Growth of the Teen

Teenagers, or adolescents, often act difficult because of the many life issues they are dealing with. For instance, during the teen years, an adolescent must:

acquire socially responsible behavior patterns,

prepare for marriage and family life, and

build conscious values that are harmonious with his/her environment.

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Emotional Growth of the Adolescent

Some people like to compare the behavior of an adolescent, or teenager, to that of a two-year-old. That is because many of the issues they are going through are the same. For example, a teenager must:

* Achieve assurance of economic independence,
* Select and prepare for an occupation,
* Develop intellectual skills and concepts necessary for civic competence.
Other emotional tasks of the teen are listed in other other tips.

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Adolescent Woes

When children become adolescents, or teenagers, they are faced with many important life-long decisions. For example, they must:
* Learn socially responsible behavior patterns in order to sustain relationships,
* Prepare for marriage and family life, and,
* Build conscious values that are harmonious those around them.

No wonder teens often become moody or difficult during this life stage!

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