It is common for two people in a relationship to set up daily patterns of living or talking with each other. This is how our brain functions, by putting behavior into neat little packages. One of the best ways of avoiding an emotional rut in your relationship is to create space. By that, I mean, each member needs time away to build and expand themselves through hobbies, other friendships, or interests, as a way of bringing new freshness to the relationship.
The day you start taking your lover (spouse, signficant other, etc.) for granted, is the day your love and romance starts to die. It takes effort AND a conscious effort to keep up on the little things in life that are important, especially if you have been married or together for many years. Telling him you love him every single day, telling her she is beautiful, holding hands when you walk in the mall, and opening the car door for her, or thanking him for mowing the lawn, are little ways for showing you care that will keep your marriage alive.
Before leaving for work in the morning, leave your lover a note on the mirror, written in red lipstick, and circled with a heart. Say something like "I will be thinking about you all day" or "I cannot wait to see you tonight." My guess is that both of your thoughts will be on each other for a good part of the day.
When fighting or arguing with someone, try to stick with one topic. One mistake we all commonly make is to bring up what is bothering us and then complicate the issue by bringing up other issues and tossing them back and forth at each other like hand grenades while the actual issue gets lost in the heat of the battle.
There are thousands of others out there who are compatible to us and to whom we might find ourselves attracted. Many times, we become confused, thinking that if we are attracted to someone else, we must not be attracted to our mate anymore. This is not true. Humans are capable of being attracted to, and loving, many people at the same time. How else could you be a wife, husband, parent, grandparent, or good friend?
Arguments and fights in relationships often get out of hand because one or both parties feel they must "win" the battle. Rather than trying to convince the other person to see things your way, lower your expectations to simply "venting the problem" without having to win.
Just because a person finds him or herself attracted to someone outside the relationship, does not mean there is something lacking or wrong within the relationship. It simply means the other person is compatible.
Relationships, like plants, sometimes die a natural death, no matter how weel you nurture them and try to keep them alive. This is because people within the relationship change. One member might grow and mature, develop new interests, or have changing needs. This does not mean the relationship was a 'failure.' It just came to its end.
All relationships have their ups and downs. By that, I mean there are times when the relationship could not be better and times when you wonder what went wrong. This happens in all relationships, whether that relationship is with a spouse, lover, child, parent, coworker, or friend. If you are thinking about ending a relationship because you are in a down time, remember, an up time could be right around the corner.
When George and Nena O'Neill interviewed couples for their book, Open Marriage, they talked to couples who had been together for decades, those that had relationships end in bitterness or divorce, and those new to the relationship game. They found two common themes in all of these marriages. One, it was common to feel attraction to another person outside of the relationship, and two, it was common to wish for and dream of freedom.
When fighting or arguing with someone about something you would like them to change, your suggestions will go a lot further if you have also let that person know what s/he does right. If your compliments and criticisms are out of balance, you may need to tip with scale by making sure you have given plenty of compliments before adding criticism.
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Guru Spotlight |
Sheri Ann Richerson |