March 1, 2002, Newsletter Issue #13: Why Did Daddy Die?

Tip of the Week

Very young children often do not see the parent`s death as permanent, but rather, that the person who died is simply asleep or can come back to life again at any time. This unrealistic concept of death is fostered by the many cartoon characters that die repeatedly, only to reappear that same episode or in a later show.

School age children and many times, teenagers, understand death in a more mature manner but do not think it can happen to them. Expect reactions such as anger, frustration, fear, guilt, and often, a return to a younger-type behavior that may surface immediately, but may not appear for weeks to months later. It is also common for younger children to think that they caused the death, therefore, it is important to recognize and talk about a child`s feelings with them as a way of helping them "sort their feelings out."

To find what symptoms might be red flags that there is something more wrong and the child needs counseling, please check out the Emotional-Guru`s tips on Grief and Loss.

Some danger signs to watch for include:
· Loss of interest in activities the child used to like to do.
· Acting much younger for an extended period of time.
· Changes in sleeping and eating patterns (e.g., cannot sleep or too much sleep).
· Intense fear of being alone.
· Not wanting to be with friends anymore.
· A change in school performance.
· Intense sadness that consumes the child.

Things you can do to help include:
§ Being open and honest to the child regarding questions and concerns the child has.
§ Continuing with typical family routine and rituals.
§ Being consistent.
§ Allowing the child to see your emotions (it is okay, and healthy, for them to see your sadness).

The grieving process, although it follows a fairly predictable path, is not the same for each person. Typically, a child will experience:
§ Disbelief (i.e., Mommy is still alive, she is just still sick and at the hospital).
§ Anger (i.e., I hate Daddy for driving the car Mommy was in when she died).
§ Bargaining (i.e., Please God, if you let Mommy come alive, I will be good for the rest of my life).
§ Resolution (i.e., I am sad and will never get over Mommy dying but I am still alive).

Children, like adults, tend to move through this cycle in a sequential order, but it is common for both child and adult to have moved from one step to the other (i.e., anger to bargaining), only to slip and fall into disbelief patterns temporarily. The best rule of thumb is to be yourself. Express yourself as you normally would. Answer the child`s questions but do not tell them more than they really need to know or are mature enough to handle. Do not make the child attend a memorial service or funeral if they express intense fear.For an excellent book on talking to children about grief and loss, you may want to click on this link:

Children and Grief: When a Parent Dies
http://emotional.lifetips.com/RscBooksS.asp?BookID=6852

If you are working with a child who is experiencing grief and loss and would like to help, please check out this book:

Helping Bereaved Children
http://emotional.lifetips.com/RscBooksS.asp?BookID=6850

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