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Bag of Tricks: Behavior Management Strategies Tips
Reflective Listening
Ever come home from a hard day´s work and just need someone to spill to? Afterwards, you feel so much better. Children are no different. Sometimes when they are whining or crying over something, they really do not want or need you to intervene or assist. They simply want someone to tell their problem to. Whenever possible, allow a child to problem solve their own solutions rather than "fixing" the problem for them. By allowing the child to problem solve on their own, you are teaching them an important life-long skill.
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2 Many Toys
Some children´s behavior may actually be escalated by too many choices, flashing colors and pictures, or loud noisy toys. It is important to be aware of how sensitive your child is to sights, sounds, and other stimuli. Eliminating these factors can improve behavior in and of themselves. To find out more positive ways to control children´s behavior, you may want to read this book:
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Facilitating Rather than Intervening
Let children problem solve on their own as much as possible. When children start fighting or arguing, stand back, let them know you are aware of their differences, and then be silent and watch. If the argument gets out of hand, you may want to set some ground rules such as "both of you sit on these chairs and use your words to tell each other what it is you want." You can also referee, saying something like "Ben, you told Alice what you did not like about what she was doing, now it's your turn to listen to what she says." Do intervene if someone is getting hurt.
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Verbal Interactions Between Adults
Verbalizing with another teacher/adult “over the heads” of the children and in a positive way to control behavior. For example, you might say to another adult, "My, did you see how hard Sean worked to get his art work done today?" Or, "Did you notice that Sue Ann did not hit another child once today?" This behavior management tool can be used to set limits, build expectations, provide a model, or communicate strategies.
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Removal From the Room
Removing a child from a room for misbehavior should be done sparingly! The reason is because removal can be as much a reward to the child as it is a consequence. Some children would rather be away from the group than with it, or, put into another room rather than have to face the natural consequences of what they have done.
A child should only be removed from group or room as a way of calming or gaining control. And removal from a room should only be used in situations such as if child is harming self or violently out of control or topic is so private it needs to be done out of earshot of other children.
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Giving Choices
For a child who frequently ignores or refuses to do what is asked, you may want to try saying something like saying: “Either you can pick up your toys now, or you will have to do it when everyone else is outside playing. Which do you chose?" Giving a child a choice can often eliminate a power struggle. Remember to follow through, however, EVERY TIME! If the child choses to refuse to pick up the toys now, then DO NOT let him/her go outside later. The child needs to pick up the toys while others are playing to learn a valuable lesson about consequences of life!
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Child WIll Not Stay in Time-Out
If your child will not stay in time-out, stay with him/her. Remind the child that time out does not start until s/he is calm and quiet. Say nothing else and keep your body language nutrual. Let the child scream, cry, and carry on for as long as s/he wants to, reminding the child every now and then that they are missing something important (e.g., favorite TV show, time with friends) and time-out cannot start until they are done crying. Although most children struggle at first, eventually the struggle shortens and disappears all together. Visit TimeOut for an article on how, when, and why to use time out.
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Offering Choices
Children are often resistive to what we ask them to do because they rarely get the chance to make decisions in their lives. Giving the child a choice, for example: “Do you want to put on your coat first or your boots?” can help the child to feel more in control. This works great for the child who does not want to get dressed. Suddenly the struggle is off and in their own hands. By the way... this continues to work throughout childhood and especially in the teenage years. Remember, a teen is going through many of the same struggles as a toddler -- independence, re-defining who he or she is (for more, read my tips on the teen years) -- so giving choices such as, "No, I cannot buy you designer jeans, a cashmere sweater, and matching boots. But I can buy you one of those things. You chose which one you want." will eliminate a whole lot of arguments and struggle. (P.S. I have raised 5 teens and taken 2 more in to live with me from time to time!!!)
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Immediate Consequences
Many children, particularly young children, need immediate consequences instead of delayed consequences. For example, they are not able to pay attention long enough to earn a sticker at the end of the week, or even the end of the day. They might need a reward after an hour or twenty minutes.
Typically, children under the age of 5 need immediate rewards. Some school age children do too. If you are using a sticker or token behavior management plan and it is not working for one or more children, you might want to consider more immediate consequences.
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Say Yes!
After 25 years of working with young children, this is still one of my most effective tools. Every time you give a child a direction, have the child respond with "Yes, Mom" or "Yes, Dad". You teach them to do this by giving your direction and without changing the inflection of your voice, add on the "Yes,___" part. For example, "Adam, pick up your toys, say yes, Mom." What this does is put the child into a positive, cooperating frame of mind, moving the child from the oppositional part of the brain (limbic system) to the thinking part of the brain (frontal cortex). To find out more about changing behavior using a brain based approach, you may be interested in taking an online course @ The Amazing Brain & Behavior.
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Encouragement Instead of Praise
Remember when praising a child to be careful! Praise can damage just as easily as it can help. A child may think they are worthy only when they do what you want and are praised - self worth then ties in with ability to conform. You may want to try "encouragement" rather than praise such as saying, "I trust you to do this…" "I knew you were capable of doing it, can you believe you thought you could not cut?" Look at you now!"
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Giving Rewards and Praise
When giving rewards or praise remember that what is rewarding to one child is not rewarding to another. Many school systems and child care centers use a token response system. In other words, if the child is "good," s/he get a sticker for the day. If the child is "bad" s/he gets some privilege taken away (usually recess which is another tip topic this Emotional-Guru cannot expound enough upon!!) Stickers are not appreciated or rewarding to all children. Some children could care less about what you are taking away, making this behavior management technique useless! The Emotional-Guru offers articles on this subject in the "article section" of this site if you care to read more.... For a listing of 101 Positive Pointers, you may want to read this 101 Positive Pointers for Preventing Problem Behavior in Children.
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Modeling
Children learn how to behave by watching others around them. If they are exposed to yelling, swearing, or fighting, they will use those same behaviors.
Model the type of behavior you expect from the child. If the child is too loud, whisper. If the child is overly active, slow down your own movement to an exaggerated pace. The child will most likely mimic the behavior seen.
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Call The Child´s Bluff
Give a direction to a child and then turn your back and walk away, “expecting” them to follow through instead of “waiting to see” if they actually do. Yes, you may have to hold your breath hoping they will actually do what you asked. And yes, this is calling their bluff! But what is happening here is that you are removing the power struggle. With your back turned, they have no one to fight. Sometimes, they just decide to give in and do what was asked! For an online course on behavior management, you may want to visit When Time-Out & Stickers Don´t Work.
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Shaping
Shaping is a very effective behavior management tool. It involves positively reinforcing very small steps towards the behavior you want, or the goal behavior. For example: A child does not talk is not social with peers. Praise the child for watching the others and being aware of what they are doing. Next, praise the child if s/he move near other children or plays with the same toys they do. Continue on until the child has actually joined the group.
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Reflection
One of the most common mistakes we make when trying to correct problem behavior, is not talking directly about the problem. This can be done privately with the child, or annonymously in a group. This gives the child a chance to reflect on the issue, problem solve, and develop new behaviors during a calm time instead of when the pressure during the heat of reprimend when the child´s defense mechanisms and emotions are high.
To do this, simply bring up a "What If..." situation during a relaxed time. Talk about the reasons behind the misbehavior and alternative solutions the child might use to replace the misbehavior. Then, remind the child often before a problem arises about how they will respond in that given situation.
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Child Wants Out of Time-Out
If a child suddenly says they will be good and want out of time-out, do not give in. This gives the child the impression that s/he is in control instead of you. Instead, say something like, "I see you are now sitting quiet. Great! I decide when time-out is over and you still have a few minutes left." For more positive approaches to behavior management, visit Books.
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Praise and the Child with ODD
A child diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD) often does not like to be praised or rewarded. In fact, praising this child may actually cause the child to misbehave. This is because a child with ODD has such a strong urge to do exactly the opposite of what you want. By telling the child with ODD that you like what they are doing, they just might sabotage your reward by doing the exact opposite. Instead, give subtle praises, such as a wink, or a whispered "Great tower you built!" in passing without even slowing down long enough to make eye contact. This takes the challenge out of the situation will still letting the child know that what s/he did was right. For a description of ODD, visit ODD.
Let children problem solve on their own as much as possible. When children start fighting or arguing, stand back, let them know you are aware of their differences, and then be silent and watch. If the argument gets out of hand, you may want to set some ground rules such as "both of you sit on these chairs and use your words to tell each other what it is you want." You can also referee, saying something like "Ben, you told Alice what you did not like about what she was doing, now it's your turn to listen to what she says." Do intervene if someone is getting hurt.
