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Children as Friends
A common occurrence in a high conflict divorce is for one parent to treat the children as "friends" or "peers." The parent improperly violates parent-child boundaries by including the child in intimate conversations that would normally occur between two adults. Sometimes, a child is used as a substitute for a missing partner. Children need to be children, not peers to their parents, in order to develop emotionally healthy and happy.
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Harm to the Children
One of the most common complaints heard between divorced parents is that one or the other parent is psychologically damaging the children through "brain washing" or "poisoning". These fears are often presented so convincingly that the listener is conned into believing this fear as the truth. In most cases, however, it is the combination of threat, insecurity, and stress that creates an unrealistic perception in the mind of one parent about the other parent. (Remember, the Emotional Guru says in most cases!)
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Effects of Single Parenting on Children
Single parenting, as you might expect, has both positive and negative effects. First, for the good news. Children of single parents tend to be more responsible and mature than children of dual parents. They tend to have closer ties to family, and if not economically deprived, tend to set their achievements high. Poverty, of course, has so many negative effects that it can counteract the positive effects.
On the other hand, children of single parents can have a distorted image of marriage. If the single parent has a significant other, or, if the child has a lot of role models (i.e., aunts and uncles), this effect can be counteracted. In addition, young children desperately need contact with members of the missing gender. This is because each sex has specific things they offer.
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Talking to An Elementary Age Child
By the time a child reaches elementary school, they are better able to understand the elements of divorce. They now have the ability to understand not just their own point of view, but the points of view of conflicting parents. The greatest concern with explaining circumstances of divorce to this age of child is that they may polarize or disconnect from their own feelings. In other words, they may view one parent as "all bad" and the other as "all good". Or, they may disown both parents and refuse to deal with the situation. Providing limited, concrete facts is important, as is assuring the child that their needs will be met. Make sure a solid routine is in place, and yes -- it is okay to show the elementary child feelings.
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Danger Signs of Grief & Loss
Some danger signs to watch for in children who have been exposed to trauma through death, divorce, or destruction include:
* Loss of interest in activities the child used to like to do.
* Acting much younger for an extended period of time.
* Changes in sleeping and eating patterns (e.g., cannot sleep or too much sleep).
* Intense fear of being alone.
* Not wanting to be with friends anymore.
* A change in school performance.
* Intense sadness that consumes the child.
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Single Parent Roles
A parent of either gender has much to offer children by way of role modeling. Therefore, if you are a single parent, you will want your child to have routine contact with members of the opposite sex. This person can be an aunt/uncle, grandparent, significant other, or friend.
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Talking with an Elementary School Age or Teen About Death
School age children and many times, teenagers, understand death in a more mature manner than younger children do. But although they may appear to understand the concept of death, they probably do not think death can happen to them. Teenagers, in particular, tend to think they are "invincible."
Expect reactions such as anger, frustration, fear, guilt, and often, a return to a younger-type behavior that may surface immediately after the death occurs but may not appear for weeks to months later. Be honest with the child about what happened and available to talk with the child when needed. Do not offer too much information, but rather, follow the childīs lead in conversations about death.
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Wishy-Washy Co-Parenting
For some divorced parents, anger seems to pop up and disappear from time to time without obvious provocation. An "ex" spouse may be greeted cordially when picking up the kids one week and sneered at the next. Parents that do this typically have issues with interpersonal closeness to others. This behavior keeps the parent "safe," because the other parent is constantly thrown off base and does not know what to expect at any given minute. The offending parent may even be unaware of what s/he is doing. Either way, such behavior is unhealthy for the kids.
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Talking to the Older Preschooler
A four or five year old child is old enough to understand parental conflict to a certain degree. They understand anger, arguments, and disharmony because they have experienced these feelings with peers. Children of this age tend to ask very concrete questions and they only need very concrete replies without elaboration. Four and five year olds are typically most interested in knowing if their needs will be met, if someone is in charge should a problem arise, and if they can count on having the same life they did before the break up.
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Single Parent Roles
Children of single parents need exposure to members of the opposite sex for important reasons: Mothers tend to teach personal responsibility, and soft emotions such as love, compassion, etc. Fathers tend to teach problem solving, assertiveness, and personal limits. Here is an example of how this happens:
Fathers tend to rough house with kids. They throw them up in the air, have mock fights, play football, etc. Fathers also tend to push the limits (i.e., to the edge of crying from too hard of a tackle, to anger at not being able to win). Mothers teach similar lessons (i.e., to gently hold a new baby, to care about the old woman stumbling across the street with her walker, etc.).
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Defense Mechanisms in Divorce
According to Garrity & Baris (1994) in high conflict divorces, it is common to see three types of defense mechanisms kick in, in one parent or the other. These are: "I am always right" "My ex-spouse is always wrong." "Maybe I will, Maybe I Wonīt." Read more about these defense mechanisms in other tips in this category.
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Talking to the Pre-Teen
By the time a child is a preteen, s/he is able to understand the differences between parents in divorce. A preteen may even demand an explanation about who was right and who was wrong. They tend to side very strongly with one parent or the other. If you are the parent that has been targeted as the "bad parent" -- just wait a week or two -- the preteenīs emotional responses are as shifting as the tides of the ocean! Your ex may be the "bad parent" the week after next...
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How to Help a Child Suffering Grief & Loss
Children going through a grieving process typically can benefit from the following tips: * Be open and honest to the child regarding questions and concerns the child has but follow the childīs lead. Do not give too much information or insight into issues the child has not asked about.
* Continue with typical family routine and rituals. Rituals and routines help the child feel safe.
* Be consistent. This allows the child the freedom of not having to worry about what comes next.
* Allow the child to see your emotions (it is okay, and healthy, for them to see your sadness).
A helpful book on grief and children can be viewed by clicking on the following link: Helping Bereaved Children
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Those Kids Are Mine!
A common occurrence in high conflict divorces is for one parent to feel "entitled" to the children. The entitlement may even be based on sound information, such as the other parent not paying child support consistently. The reality, however, is that the children belong to both parents, regardless of any other fact. That includes situations where the other parent appears to be a loser. No one "owns" children, therefore, neither parent is "entitled" to them.
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The Grief Cycle
The grieving process, although it follows a fairly predictable path, is not the same for each person. Children, like adults, tend to move through the grief cycle in a sequential order, but it is common for both child and adult to have moved from one step to the other (i.e., anger to bargaining). The grief cycle is as follows:
Disbelief or denial (e.g., Mommy is still alive, she is just still sick and at the hospital).
Anger (e.g., I hate Daddy for driving the car Mommy was in when she died).
Bargaining (e.g., Please God, if you let Mommy come alive, I will be good for the rest of my life).
Resolution (e.g., I am sad and will never get over Mommy dying but I am still alive).
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I Am Always Right
A common characteristic of a divorced parent is to take the position that "I am always right". A parent who claims to always be right over the other parent typically is someone who has an inflated ego, a string of past failed relationships, and an inability to learn from mistakes. Neither parent in a divorced situation is always "right" or always "wrong". To err is human....
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Difficult Co-Parenting
It is not uncommon for one divorced parent to accuse the other parent of always being wrong. Typically, this reaction stems from poor self-esteem and a projection of blame. Many times divorced parents with this attitude still have issues of anger and resentment that they have not dealt with. They live in the past, remember only the bad parts of the marriage, and continue to project those distorted realities on the present.
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The After Math of Divorce
Divorce can be a very humiliating experience, even for people who are otherwise psychologically healthy. Often, vulnerabilities are exposed in court in front of countless strangers, and self-esteem is threatened. Once this happens, reality about the self, the welfare of the children, or the reality of the situation becomes distorted or exaggerated. If you are going through divorce, it is wise to keep this point in mind. Most ex-spouses do not psychologically damage the children, and it is common to feel low self-esteem as memories of the past mixed with stress overwhelm the soul. The best defense is support, whether it be through friends, relatives, support groups, religion, or other source of companionship.
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Excluding Contact With the Other Parent
A common occurrence in high conflict divorces is for one parent to try to limit, or exclude, the other parent from the lives of the children. The parent may make accusations, such as "He would rather go fishing than be with his kids" or, "He only wants the children out of spite". Typically, these comments are unjustified, and in reality, are a distortion in the accusing parentīs reality.
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The
Always talk positively about the "other" parent if divorced or single, even if that parent was a no-good bum. A child must form his/her own opinion about the missing parent, and will often side with the absent parent in times of stress as a way of retaliating against you if they know you do not like the other parent.
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Common Divorce Conflicts
The most common problems experienced by co-parents after a high-conflict divorce are: 1. One parent being seen as a serious potential threat to the children. 2. One parent giving the children a distorted, negative perception of the other parent. 3. The children being treated by one parent as "friends", or "peers" instead of "children". 4. One parent trying to limit or exclude the other parent from the childīs life. 5. One parent claiming an entitlement for suffering such injustice in the marriage through the children (owning the children).
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Talking To A Teen About Divorce
If you are divorcing and also have a teenager, expect a roller coaster of responses. Some teenagers will side very strongly with one parent or the other. Others will vacillate between parents. The bottom line is that teens are most interested in what affects them. Will they still have money for clothes? Will their life style be hampered? The best remedy for a teen is to assure them that their needs will be met.
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Divorce & The Young Preschooler
The preschooler typically reacts to divorce with extreme distress. Because they do not have a keen sense of language to either interpret what is happening or how they are feeling, they tend to act emotionally. Some become very withdrawn. Some become overly aggressive. Some become disorganized. Because a very young child cannot understand what is happening, the best comfort is to maintain normal routines and rituals -- events the young child can count on to provide security. It is okay to show emotion (within reason). Young ones need to know that their feelings about what is happening are validated. To NOT show feelings would cause a double bind for the young child because they sense something is wrong but no one reacts to it.
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Parent Alienation Syndrome
In some of the other tips under this category, the Emotional Guru has talked about common behaviors seen in the aftermath of a heated custody battle. Although much of this behavior (e.g., thinking the other parent is poisoning the childrenīs mind or only wanting shared custody to spite you) is common and will resolve itself over time, sometimes these feelings and emotions become prolonged, and set. This is called Parent Alienation Syndrome and it can be very damaging to the children.
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The Funeral
Talking to a young child about the death of a loved one is a difficult subject. The best rule of thumb is to be yourself. Express yourself as you normally would. Answer the childīs questions but do not tell them more than they really need to know or are mature enough to handle. And do not make the child attend a memorial service or funeral if they express intense fear or displeasure.
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Age to Tell Child
Deciding when to tell a child about an absent parent should be based on the child. Do not approach the subject unless the child brings it up first. If a child asks, "Where is my daddy?", answer only that question ("He lives in Portland.") and nothing else. Answer only the question asked and do not give information above and beyond that question. To read a full article on how to talk to a child about an absent parent, please visit Single Parenting: Talking With Your Child.
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Red Flag Symptoms of Grief & Loss in Preschoolers
Very young children often do not see the parentīs death as permanent, but rather, that the person who died is simply asleep or can come back to life again. This concept of death is fostered by the many cartoon characters that die repeatedly, only to reappear that same episode or in a later show.
It is important to assure the child that s/he had nothing to do with the death and to offer support and understanding during this difficult time when the childīs misbehaviors will most likely increase.
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What Divorced Parents Fight About
The most common arguments between divorced parents are: 1. Profound mistrust of the otherīs parenting skills 2. Parenting time and access to the children 3. Behavior problems the children have and who to blame 4. Being disparaged by the other parent 5. Being convinced the children are being "poisoned" or "brain washed" Often, in the midst of all this fighting, the welfare of the children is neglected in the intense desire for revenge, vengeance, and a desire to win at all cost.
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When To Divorce
There really is no good time to divorce when children are involved. Even adult children of divorced parents will tell you that they fantasize or wish that their parents were still married. Still, research does show that divorce is the easiest on children during the preschool years.
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Sheīs Talking Bad About Me!
A common occurrence in high conflict divorces is for one parent to put the other parent down in front of the children. These comments are most often made off-handed, in the course of normal conversation, making them difficult for a child to sort out. One parent might say, "Oh, your dad is late picking you up. That is because he cares more about himself than you." These comments create great confusion in a child (whether true or not!) and should not be said. A child wants, and needs, to love both parents.
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