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Life Long Social-Emotional Development Tips
Warning Signs
When should you become concerned about your childīs behavior? If the behavior falls into one of these categories, you might want to seek professional help: Violent behavior In own little world Very friendly to strangers Unpredictable moods Explosive temper tantrums Physical aggression Withdrawn, does not respond when name is called Looking right past you or through you Suicidal thoughts Frequent fighting Threats Hurting others Homicidal thoughts Use of weapons Cruelty toward animals Fire setting Destruction of property Vandalism
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Emotionally Five
A five-year-old is beginning to understand the rules and regulations of social behavior and to adjust his or her own behavior accordingly. They are also beginning to develop a moral conscience that helps guide their behavior. Still, a five-year-old needs lots of practice, and is creating mental patterns of how to act and behave that will stay with him or her for a life time. For more information on the emotional development of a young child, you may want to read First Feelings
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Emotionally Three
Three-year-olds are just beginning to be social beings -- and they need lots of practice! Three-year-olds are learning how to get their needs met while also learning that others have needs and rights too. They will hit, bite, scream, cry, and bargain with peers for toys or items they want and in the process, their behavior will be corrected or praised, giving them a sense of what is socially wrong or right behavior. For more information on the emotional development of a young child, you may want to read Touchpoints.
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Emotionally One
The primary emotional need of a one-year-old is simply to be loved and cared for so s/he can learn to trust the world. Contrary to popular belief, you really cannot spoil an infant. The more secure and happy they are as infants, the healthier they will be emotionally later in life. For more information on the emotional development of a baby or young child, you may want to read First Feelings.
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Good Stress Bad Stress
If your relationship is being stressed, you may want to try to do something about it. I have listed two helpful books to get you started: 101 Essential Tips: Relaxation and 365 Ways to Relax Body, Mind, & Soul. Visit my book and product section for more stress fighters.
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Source of Feedback
Healthy, happy family members tend to look to each other for feedback and advice. The family is a place for learning and members help each other. Mistakes are seen as just that -- mistakes! A family member making a mistake is thought of as in a stage of learning. For example, if a teenage son made a bad choice about attending a drinking party when underage, other family members would not belittle, put him down or think of him as bad. Family members would help the son learn the consequences of his actions, without putting down his character and seeing him as "bad".
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Differences are Appreciated
In a healthy, happy family, differences between family members are not only encouraged, but appreciated. Therefore, if one family member wants to do something that other family members have never done before, others are open to the idea without being judgemental. Not being judgemental allows the family member to grow to his or her greatest emotional development
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Pretty Good Place to Live
Healthy, Happy families tend to think their home is a pretty good place to live. Family members talk well of each other and do not put each other down in front of other family members or friends. Members come to the defense of each other when someone from the outside says bad things. Yet, how many times have you been to a gathering and heard women sitting together or men sitting together putting down their own family members? To be a Healthy, Happy Family, this is one practice a family member has to stop!
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Comparing
A common mistake made by parents of an adolescent is to compare the teenager with a sibling or another teenager. For example, "Why can you not be more like your brother, John? He never did this when he was your age." Although comparisons seem harmless, may be thought of as constructive criticism, and are intended to point out the obvious, they most likely come across as a "point down" to the teen. Therefore, if the teen feels put down, the comparison will do nothing to improve his or her behavior. Instead of comparing your adolescent to another, emphasize the strengths, talents, and individuality of the teen instead.
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How Much Stress is Ok?
Hans Selye (the stress-guru of all time) theorized that we all have a reserve of energy to respond to stress, but that an individual reservoir must learn to conserve that energy and not let the go dry. A body depleted of energy will at first feel exhausted, the mind may not function normally, and our emotional state fluctuates, meaning we may cry one moment and laugh the next. Continued stress continues to weaken the body, mind and spirit, and if not relieved of stress, we can move into a chronic state of stress which is hard to work back out of.
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Strength Comes from Within/Out
In healthy, happy families, family members recognize that the others get strength from within (intra-personal) and from without, or from each other (interpersonal). Therefore, the family members do not expect another family member to handle all their own problems, or to depend upon themselves to handle all the problems. They understand that problems can be resolved using either source of strength.
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Launching Children & Moving On
During the Launching of Children stage of the Family Life Cycle, the key emotional task is to accept the new entries and exits of individuals from the family system. This is a time for re-negotiating the marital system as a dyad, developing new adult to adult relationships between grown children and parents, and re-aligning relationships to the extended family and grand-children. The family may also find themselves caring for the previous generation. A good book on surviving Empty Nest Syndrome is:
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Differentiated Family Members
Members of healthy, happy families tend to be what is called "differentiated". Although family members are well connected to each other, each member also has a keen sense of who they are as a separate person. Individuals in healthy, happy families are not dependent upon each other entirely for emotional or social support. Although they rely on the family for support, they are also able to generate emotional and social support on their own.
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Routines & Rituals
Healthy, happy families tend to have routines and rituals they follow. For example, they have family traditions such as Thanksgiving, or a favorite meal on a family memberīs birthday. These routines and rituals are important to all family members because they help the member feel a part of a larger system, offer security, and build self-esteem. To read more on family emotional health, see Ties That Stress: The New Family Imbalance.
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Emotionally Six
A six-year-old is developing the mental structures to support and organize hundreds of different emotional and behavioral patterns. The six-year-old is also developing abstract thinking, therefore, instead of just thinking about what is happening at any given moment, the six-year-old can think about the consequences of his or her behavior before actually doing the behavior. For more information on the emotional development of a young child, you may want to read First Feelings.
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Emotionally Two
A two-year-old typically is struggling with emotions. For one thing, s/he is learning to be independent and wants to do things his or her own way. On the other hand, a two-year-old still has needs to frequently connect with a parent or care giver. Thus, a two-year-old will sometimes scream "No!" when asked if you can help, and the next time the toddler will scream for your attention! For more information on the emotional life of a two year old, you may want to read: The Emotional Life of the Toddler.
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No One Singled Out
When problems occur in healthy, happy families, no one individual is blamed. In other words, if one member has a problem, the family joins together to better understand oneīs own role in the problem, rather than just blaming the family member with the problem. So, if a father becomes an alcoholic, a teenager becomes pregnant, or a mother becomes depressed, the problem is not just the fatherīs, or the teenagerīs, or the motherīs, -- the problem is everyoneīs problem, with all members of the family being held accountable for their part in creating the problem. An excellent book of emotional development in the family is Emotional Intelligence.
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Balanced and Flexible
Healthy, happy families tend to be balanced. By that, I mean they spend time together, and alone. Family members have interests inside the family and out. In addition, healthy, happy families are flexible and can adapt to change. This gives family members the freedom to become individuals within the family system. If your family is out of balance, you may want to read Ties That Stress: The New Family Imbalance.
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Families with Young Children
During the Families with Young Children stage of the Family Life Cycle, the key emotional
